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Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 19 Sep 2003 : 14:49:37

I found this on a web site I hope you enjoy them, if not then to damn bad heh.

Top Ten Spells That Never Made It:

1. Berman's Death-to-the-Caster.
2. Power word, Fart.
3. Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube).
4. Safe Fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault).
5. Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female cattle).
6. Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).
7. Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).
8. Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).
9. Polymorph Any Omelet.
10. Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR).

Top Ten Signs It's Time to Get New AD&D Books:

1. Most of your player's handbook's pages are stuck together with coke, mouldy pepperonis, and chocolate smudges.
2. Your books are a bacteriologists dream.
3. When you try to pick up your DMG it disintegrates into a pile of dust.
4. When running games, you have to invent rules from your DMG because it's no longer legible.
5. Household pets keep trying to eat your Monster Manual.
6. When you turn the page, sometimes it flies across the room.
7. Your first edition DMG has a large brown wear-mark where "lucky" dice rolls have been done over the years.
8. You can't tell one book from another - you have to go by thickness.
9. You like to sit on your DMG because its biothermal heat keeps you nice and warm.
10. When you spill coke on them, it doesn't show because the paper is so brown with age

Top Ten Signs You Can No Longer Trust The Thief In Your Party:

1. Your characters often get sharp pains in their backs (followed by profuse bleeding).
2. After dinner, your PC often gets indigestion, followed by nausea (followed by death).
3. Thief always wants to take first watch, then can't be found in the morning.
4. Valuable items keep disappearing from your fighter's cloak (the one with the large side pockets).
5. After battles, the thief often regretfully explains there's no treasure (but seems to have difficulty walking).
6. Your PC's gold seems to be taking on a slight greenish colour.
7. Healing potions do very little to heal your character (and taste kinda watery).
8. Thief always hangs back in battle, and complains he "just couldn't get into the right position".
9. Strangely, everyone has a hangover the next morning except the thief.
10. The chance of a PC dying from "food poisoning" seems directly proportionate to his wealth

Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy:

1. Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.
2. The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.
3. The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
4. The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".
5. The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
6. The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
7. The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
8. You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
9. The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
10. After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Hard:

1. You've been playing for 3 weeks, and have 76 dead characters.
2. You're playing in Darksun, but still only use Method I to roll characters.
3. Your fighter gets a bit tipsy, and piches the barmaid's bottom. The barmaid pulls out her bow and her arrow of fighter slaying.
4. Your 15th level thief just had the snot kicked out of him by an eight year old girl.
5. There are lethal traps on every latrine door.
6. Most peasants have 20 hit dice, and many know the power word, kill spell.
7. Somehow you've done it. Your party has slain Emberburn, the most fearsome and powerful Red Dragon the DM has ever created. The DM stares at you in shock, still staring down at the "1" he rolled on the dragon's last attack. After poking him in the arm for five minutes, chanting "horde�.horde�..horde�." over and over, he looks up at you. The look of surprise fades, and an evil grin replaces it. "As it happens," the DM says with glee, "the dragon had cast Project Image just before the party entered the cavern�.".
8. Your mage has an argument with a local spice merchant. Finally, annoyed to the breaking point, he casts charm on the merchant. Sadly, the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage. Shaking your head, you reach for the statistic rolling dice once again�
9. Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 hit die fireballs. No explanation is ever offfered.
10. Regular rabbits are gone. They have been replaced by the killer-rabbit from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Easy:

1. The red dragon suddenly develops a chest cold, and cannot use it's breath weapon.
2. Your party sneaks into the lich's secret dungeons. Luckily for them, the lich has been born-again, and sent all his undead minions off to do charity work for the poor.
3. The phrase "Oh geez, what do I need with another +5 vorpal longsword" is used during game play.
4. Your cleric is on a first name basis with his god, because of all the times the god has had to pop in to save the cleric's butt.
5. Any major city has at least one "Ressurect-a-matic" on every street corner.
6. All the city's guards are first level, and are easily spooked by the Flamefinger cantrip.
7. Bubba the Mighty, the most powerful and evil mage in the world, has a soft spot for fast-talking halflings. Instead of casting meteor swarm and annihilating the party, he decides to teleport away.
8. The party is dividing treasure. The fighter says "Ok, who wants the staff of the magi? Anybody? Anyone at all? Ok, we leave it leaning against a tree stump."
9. The DM uses a four sider to roll monster attacks.
10. The gods in your campaign worship the player characters.

Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers:

1. The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
2. One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
3. They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".
4. One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.
5. Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
6. At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
7. People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
8. The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honour.
9. Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
10. The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.

Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much ADnD:

1. Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
3. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
4. You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG, but you can't remember how many kids you have.
6. You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
7. After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language - words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
8. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude, get a grip".
9. Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.
10. You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.

Famous Last Words:

"Of course its evil, kill it!"
"It can't talk to us like that!"

"What do you mean?! How many hit points do I have?!"

"Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?"

"No really. I can do this."

"You mean it was a GOOD dragon?"

"I'll steal the 20+ level mage's pouch."

"What the hell, there's six of us and only 5 type VI demons."

"A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."

"Hey, all I need is a two or better to save vs. poison."

"YO! Grendel! Your momma wears combat boots!"

"I dunno what a tarrasque is, but it can't be TOO tough."

"What do you mean, the dragon wakes up?"

"Wait! What's deathspell do?"

"Go ahead and drink it."

"I'll never surrender."

"It was a joke."

"Hey guys, where are you?"

"I mix the potions and drink."

"There's no such thing as a bottomless pit. Everybody knows that."

"Featherball! I mean, featherrrr........"

"Do you realize what you just did?"

"Tell me this is an illusion."

"What do you mean, my spell expired."

"I'll cast Fireball."

"Let's go in."

"Let's not go in."

"I follow them."

"I stab the dragon and tell it to get off me."

"I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion."

"I kill it."

"Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?"

"What a useless scroll. It just says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and over again..."

"I though YOU brought the food!"

"Why is your torch flame turning blue?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

"Trust me."

"I never get lost."

"He hit me for HOW MUCH?????"

"They're only kobolds!"

"Hey, this chest just bit me!"

"I try to move silently in plate armor..."

"I didn't find any traps !!"

"Wonder what this button does ?"

"Don't worry, he's probably just first level."

"This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb."

"I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror"

"Can I eat this green slime?"

"What's your alignment?"

"My character WANTS to go out in a blaze of glory."

"I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly"

"Why is this man speaking in sign language?"

"This type of undead can't drain levels"

"I'll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!"

"We're in luck! The dragon is sleeping"

"That's only a statue"

"There's no trap on the door, so let's open it"

"I have this dungeon at home, I know where everything is!"

"Don't worry, the DM won't hose me"

"The DM's an idiot."

"We'll untie the prisoners and lock them in the closet."

"I see HOW MANY wights?!"

"It was only the wind."

"Don't worry, wyverns don't attack unless they're provoked."

"You watch the door, I'll take out the Gas Spore (Beholder) that's guarding the treasure."

"A Nightmare, huh? I'll attack for one round and prepare to run."

"I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon."

"They need a twenty to hit me, I'm invincible"

"I throw a rock at the eight-legged lizard to get it's attention."

"Who's the bitch with the spiders?"

"We killed all monsters on this level."

"I've been here before. There are no traps in this section."

"Well ..., I'll touch it again"

"I'll scout ahead."

"I attempt to disbelieve"

"I know if I draw a card I'll get the VOID."

"My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me? OK, I shoot again!"

"Where'd that thief go now?"

"Hey guys...wait up."

"Trap? What trap?"

"So what?"

"Ya know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him right if we set his precious forest on fire."

"A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct. Let's kill it."

"OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm gonna tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!"

"No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell won't work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I'll prove it."

"Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard. I'd better wash it off after we kill this fire lizard."

"Well, we know he's LAWFUL evil, so he should keep his word when he promised not to betray us."

"So I'm safely across the pit? Whew! For a minute there I was worried that you might remember my encumbrance penalties."

"Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead! Maybe they can help heal our wounded!"

"Don't worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my level, are infinintesimal."

"Well, *I* trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn't trapped, that's good enough for me."

"So that giant fell into the pit? I'll jump over it and get his treasure."

"Me first. Me first."

"Try me, sh*t breath!"

"Oops, sorry...didn't mean to disturb you."

"Come on, we haven't found any traps so far."

"Diamonds ... Gold... Saphires!!! Terry! Terry, we're rich, we're rich, we're fabulously wealthy!!!! Terry...Terry...??"

"Let's walk this way."

"Hey folks, follow me, I remember the way to the dungeon exit."

"I never get to have any fun!"

"You mean they get to use the critical hit chart too?"

"Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."

"What do you mean the whole room we're in detects as a trap?"

"Hey you! Frost Giant! How's the weather up there?"

"Just watch, I bet I get the one item that's cursed."

"I'm invincible!"

"A sign labeled `pit'? I walk up to it."

"No problem. That's easy!"

"Hah! I'm not dead yet. I still have five hit points."

"I don't care. I have a Ring of Regeneration."

"Yeah, I know it's dangerous, but think of the experience points."

"I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up."

"I wonder what's in here?"

"He wouldn't try that trick again!"

"Just because you're a dragon doesn't mean you can push ME around."

"What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!"

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."

"I'll open it."

"It seems easy enough"

"I think he can be trusted."

"Those noises are probably nothing."

"I'll pull the lever."

"Money!"

"Magic is for wimps."

"Oh. He'll miss. Just look at my AC."

"Hey, where'd all the big spiders come from?"

"AGAIN!?!?!"

"I'll use my taunt skill."

"Your mother was a Gully Dwarf."

"My God will protect me."

"You don't look like a mage!"

"It'd be stupid to trap this!"

"Here, hold this rope while I go down."

"Well, if you didn't belch, who did?"

"I know an illusion when I see one."

"There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe."

"I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly."

"Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?"

"A ballista? What's that? How many dice of damage does it do?"

"So what if he calls the guard? A backwater town like this can't have a very big militia."

"What do you mean, `Your wand ran out of charges.'?"

"Oh these, I've fought them before..."

"He looks like a sunburnt elf?"

"All that noise we heard and there's only one drow here?"

"You'd have to be a GOD to smile after that hit!"

"Take out a Beholder's eyes, and Bingo!"

"I can't possibly miss..."

"I go through the door... Wait, I check for traps!"

"Don't be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you."

"Is this one really able to breath fire?"

"What do you mean, 'How many hit points do I have RIGHT NOW?'?"

"Come on, EVERY evil wizard's tomb has a way out!"

"It can't be a beholder, we're only first level!"

"When nobody's looking, I go back to get some more gems."

"It's an illusion. No spell can reshape the side of a mountain like that. I disbelieve and walk off the 500' cliff."

"He's only an ordinary 15th level magic user."

CLICK! "What do you mean, 'The trap WASN'T armed.'? What was that Remove Traps roll for anyway!?"

"How was I to know that that orc would tell the truth about us not wanting to come in here!"

"What do you mean, 'Green slime ain't always green.'?"

"Nah...the game's just started....he wouldn't put a fatal death trap in yet.."

"You don't get Humanoid 8th level wizards. He's only bluffing"

"(To Angry Red Dragon) Did anyone tell you you had bad breath?"

"There's HOW many Githyanki sleeping bunks in this chamber?"

"A red WHAT swoops out of the sky at us?"

"I'll swim across."

"I throw the rock into the dark cave."

"I run down the hallway alone."

"I'll use the wand of wonder."

"I want to check out the magic tome."

"Hmm...I'll try Chain Lightning"

"Ok, the dragon's asleep. You guys wait back here with bows and stuff. Getafix and I will go up in front of it and cast light on it's eyes to blind him, then we'll blow his brains out with psionics."

"Garth, you be the anchor. I tie the rope around myself, take the slack [700'] and jump in."

"There's only 10 kobolds and there's 8 of us. Attack!"

"I dive through the fire."

"Follow those lights!"

"There's a company of 100 barbarians guarding the pass" "I don't think they want us to cross these mountains." "So what?"

"It's only a naga."

"I'm not going to waste spells on THEM!"

"That's right, I'm going to polymorph into a pergrine falcon and attempt to land on the back of one of the 12 griffons flying above us."

"I think we can take it down."

"There only a pack of kobolds."

"Does a three save?"

"C'mon guys -- he can't kill _all_ of us!"

"I use animal empathy to calm the charging Triceratops."

"There's only three of them. Watch the one that looks like Death, though."

"Just because you can breathe fire doesn't mean you can push *us* around."

"Hmm...how do we know you are the REAL Angel of Death?"

"Hey, it's only a black dragon, a vampire, and a lich.... and we've got a horn of bubbles!"

"I sneak up to the Lich and pick its pockets."

"This is a wimp dungeon."

"What does this lever do?"

"If I were you, Demon, I would sit back down!"

"That purple robe really clashes with your burning eyes..."

"Bow to a Demon? Never!"

"Elminster, you old fart, I thought you were really mad for a minute."

"What do you mean I turn into a bug?"

"Oh, please! Vampires have so many weaknesses, you can't help but kill them!"

"What do mean feather fall wears off?"

"Okay, we'll attack the small boulette first."

"What do you mean, the Wall of Ice vanishes?"

"They CAN'T have initiative!"

"You've got 80 hit points; YOU open the treasure chest"

"The Hall of Blades? Hey, I've got an 18 dex."

"What do you mean my axe bounces off him? What's Stoneskin do anyway?"

"C'mon guys...how bad could it be?!"

"Cmon guys, it was only a rumor, theres nothing here"

"So what, I have the artifact"

"Ok, so theres a few more of them"

"But I just got a little prick!"

"Did he say he had Plate Mail +5? I stop running and fight him!"

"Hey, do you guys think that this might just be an illusio...(whack)"

"I pick the lock on the magic shop window."

"We charge!"

And the ultimate famous last word:

"Oops."

"Madness you say! Do you fear me? Are you afraid of what I might do, of what I might say? What a fascinating reaction. Don't you find it somewhat encumbering?"

Piddles assumes a deep and resonant voice. "Space...the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship...Garou. It's mission: to slay Wyrm creatures where they live and breed. To accumulate more Garou than the world's entire population. To produce metis like no one has before." - Piddles

"Aren't you people supposed to be doing something? Like, entertaining me, the fascist wizard?" - InleRah

I have the passwords to the minds of everyone and the cheat codes to the universe - Me

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 19 Sep 2003 : 14:52:09

<Cont>

AD&D Meets Windows 95:

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

AD&D Christmas Song:

Ring Their Bells", or "The Munchkin's Carol"
--by the Sea Wasp
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

"Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our SLAYING song
And watch these suckers die!

Chorus:
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door
Into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out its fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making balrogs fall
And our thief finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!

(Chorus)

Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something HARD...
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
That damn Lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!

(Chorus)

We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's Throne
Our cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'til they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with prayers and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and shells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Yes, we'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!!"

You Might Be A Gamer If...:

loosing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow.
you could paper your bathroom in character sheets.

you could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character.

you are unable to walk past the latest TSR supplement without leafing through it, even though you know it's going to be bad.

you have more entertaining "No-****,-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than you do anecdotes about your family.

you talk about your characters as if they are real people.

you alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the third person.

and none of your friends gets confused.

you've ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game rules that you didn't like and, as soon as the system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.

when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the kind that they give you during a college final exam.

you worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement.

you burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard.

you will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.

you've ever seen the old AD&D tv series.

you're still reading this list.

you hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good roleplay.

you've ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in a game (You are so dead! I am not dead!)

you've ever neglected to buy the new edition of your favourite game because you already have three.

you have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text.

you keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system again. (Never mind that its TS: SI)

You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI.

you have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even though you failed high school geometry.

you can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session.

you consider Altoids, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and blue Teeni Hugs a balanced diet. (or even an acceptable combination.)

you have been known to drive to far away places where you paid enormous amounts of money for the privelege of sleeping on floors, eating crap, buying little pewter statues of Gandalf, and meeting dozens of psychopathic members of the alternate (or similar) sex who will follow you around for months, merely for the pleasure of playing with gamers you don't know.

and then signed up en masse with all of you friends to play in games with game masters who you've known since high school.

you own your own weight in gaming books.

the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they know where you live.

you can do AD&D money conversions in your head.

you could wallpaper you bedroom in Dragon Mirths (tm).

you consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great literature.

you consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phis & Dixie" the redeeming feature of Magic: The Gathering.

you consider the 20th century a state of mind.

you have a random NPC generator, written in BASIC, designed to run on the Trash-80 or the Commodore 64.

you've ever designed your own character sheets.

you can be more that three NPCs at the same time without generating more than reasonable confusion in your players.

you have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or "beard" ANYWHERE in his or her name.

you know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typingrequired a blood sample. I'M not getting it)

you've ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or other PW/OC (Person With/Out Clue).

you've suceeded.

you've played Talisman more than once.

you've finished a game of Talisman.

more than once.

you're STILL reading this list.

you can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.

you've mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and had a THAC0 low enough to hit the 8HD monster, anyway

you understood that.

you carry AD&D insurance.

your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself.

an 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.

you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.

you've ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that you like their character better than you do them.

you have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or something similar.)

you've ceased responding to your birth name.

you spend more money on dice than on food.

you sometimes forget what century this is.

your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my axe."

you know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.

your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your conversations.

you have more gaming books than the local hobby store.

you've discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler.

you knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than they can use?

you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a: you thought it was funny b: your parents got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.

you're sortof dissapointed that you haven't reached the level where they start teaching you the real spells (as described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: You're sure you must be a high enough level.

you've been gaming for more than half of your life.

you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."

the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories.

you can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from "what's New With Phil & Dixie."

you knew a female gamer once.

you were a female gamer once.

you tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and what have you as possible, just to confuse your friends.

you've been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative merits of Champions, V&V, Marvel, and DC heroes ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are intrinsically sucky.

you like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called them all, "sucky."

you've thought of four or five additions to this list.

you actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first came out.

you've ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a haemophiliac werewolf.

someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and you immediately start thinking in terms of 10X10 squares.

or 6'x6' hexes.

your first though upon walking into a friend's domicile is to reflect on where you'd put the machine-gun nest.

you've ever gotten wierd looks from other customers at places like Denny's or IHOP because of the nature of your conversations.

a friend of yours screws something up and you respond with, "looks like you failed your _____ roll."

you've actually paid to have custom fangs made.

you wear these fangs in everyday life (not to mention Renaissance festivals).

you've ever argued against a combat rule based on your experience in the SCA/Military/Police, etc.

you have a dozen things in mind for when you come across a magic lamp.

when you talk about the "good old days" you mean when games cost $12 and came with their own dice.

If you played a different game every night, you'd need a fifty-day week to use your RPG collection to its full extent.

The six-siders in your dice bag have been worn down to the point that they look like 20-siders.

your car and/or home is falling apart, you're wearing the same clothes you wore in the 1980's, and you miss meals regularly, but you've got the money in the bank for the next year's worth of 's products.

If your computer broke down, your biggest worry is how you'd print out your character sheets.

you can cite the differences between "official" Star Trek, and FASA Star Trek, and Star Fleet Battles.

your character has more close friends than you do.

you have more Star Frontiers modules than you have close friends.

you could write a biography of your character easier than you could write your own autobiography.

you think that such a biography WOULD BE an autobiography.

you can't find your favorite shirt, but you know where all the dice that came with your first D&D set are.

you remember when games gave you tips on "inking" dice with crayon.

you can give no fewer than six different speeches on "what is roleplaying?", verbatim, from the introductions to different games.

you've bought a game even though you didn't like the genre or the rules, so that you could fix the rules and convert them to a different genre.

you've looked into how much it would cost to build a castle

there is virtually no game that you can't name the genre, company, or country of origin for (Hunter Planet, anyone?).

your most important criteria for a mate is that they're a gamer, too.

you're a hetero male and you've considered changing orientation just to find a mate to meet that criterion (that's a word, right?).

you've ever written a speech for your character to make just in case he should find himself in such a situation.

you remember when all games referred to characters as "he".

Your idea of a fun Friday night consists of getting the gang together and playing for eight or more hours.

The only reason you want a lake cabin is so you and the gang can go up there and play non-stop all weekend without any distractions.

You finally get to the point where you look at everything on the shelves and say "*I* can do a better job than these bozos!"

you actually get a chance to do just that.

and you succeed!

Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was coolthat means he's got Swing Sword +20 and Look Cool In Armor +15.")

You write a parody of the RPG industry, and it's also a game.

and one of the companies you slam picks it up for its "Mature" imprint and distributes it gleefully.

You go into business as a consultant on the RPG industry.

and you actually are *hired*! (Neener-neener!)

You branch out from RPGs into the stuff that game was derived from so you make better sense of the bloody thing. (Gamers-turned-Otaku, Gamers-turned-occultists, Gamers-turned-goths, Gamers-turned-military personel, Gamers-turned-martial artists, etc.)

and you *still* don't stop playing! (Loyal man! I like you!)

You remember when there was none of this "no exclusively (fe)male viewpoint" bull****.

or when there was none of this "no cussing" crap either.

You make up songs like "Livin in the Kaer" and "Fun Fun Fun (Till the Horror took her Free Will Away)"

You've written character histories that are longer than most novels

You can quote the exact chance of a 1st-level Mage defeating an Umber hulk from memory, though a Voydanoi takes a little work.

You break your leg, but insist on using a 'Recovery Test' before calling the ambulance.

You have a list of what all the potions taste like.

Your resume describes you as a '5th-Level Civil Engineer'

Drac's Raving at you.

You've figured out that the Average AD&D Great Wyrm Red Dragon has 7 cubic feet of treasure.

You Demand Experience points after winning a fistfight.

You have a nickname that makes no sense because one of your characters had it.

You Buy Dragon Magazine "For the Articles."

You Worship TSR.

You Detest T$R.

You've ever constructed yourself as a character.

You've got more tables than all the restaurants in town.

You know how to use dice as weapons.

You use phrases like 'Save vs. Graduation or go insane for 1d4 days.'

You know how many hit points every member of your family has.

You know that you can fit 20 d4's together to make a large d20 because you've actually tried it.

You're up until 5:30 in the morning posting to rec.games.frp.misc.

"Yes, I have fond memories from the phrase 'Collect Call of Cthulhu. What of it??" (easy) SPI, SJG (med.) FBI, FGU (hard) TSR, FASA

You know the following acronyms (feel free to append, and credit the game) AD&D's THAC0 Hero's 1d6 AF NND AE w/14act you spend hours poring through this newsgroup, but just can't find the time to read Book IX of Paradise Lost for your Milton class tomorrow.

You own Dragon magazines below number 100 (Gosh, is that all it takes nowadays?)

Your subscription copy of Dragon shows up in the mail one month, and you realize it's the hundredth consecutive issue you've bought. (In my case, it was 187).

You own consecutive issues farther back than that.

You've read every issue from 55 on up.

You're still looking for the rest.

You've almost hit this point with Polyhedron.

You remember when White Dwarf was an AD&D magazine.

You bought a copy of the French-language edition of Dragon, even though you can't read French, because it had Second Edition rules for the Anti-Paladin class, and even though you don't like the class, you know that having that issue will really annoy the Anti-Paladin fans in your gaming club.

Game dealers at Gencon recognize you and know your name, even though it's your first time at Gencon.

An addition for "You might be a gamer if you remember GenCon in tents.

You collect things shaped liked dice or with dice in them (drink stirrers, pens with dice-in-water in the end, brass dice sets, dice bookends)

You still have a set of dice-shaped cushions made as a gesture of understanding by your mom

When you finally settle down with a loved one and build a home, you insist on designing a Gaming Room into the house

And getting the stamped concrete patio/pergola/driveway done in hexagons

You own "Intoduction to Traveller"

Or the Traveller Supplement "Forms and Charts"

You know which number Supplement that last one was

You know which Sci-Fi novel series was the inspiration for Traveller's Imperium

You don't just have maps of places that don't exist you've had at least one of them made into a Globe

You collect building plans (viewed from above) to use as Site Maps for games

You have examples of weapons from your games in the house "so the players can't argue about how heavy/long/clumsy/etc they are"

While you have a number of friends, only Gamers reach the status of Mates

You buy CDs of specific music (or sounds) just to use as background atmosphere for gaming

You've ever found yourself associating with people who you'd otherwise avoid in public because they were Gamers

You have a place where the paraphernalia of your gaming youth is displayed for the curious as a sort of shrine to "the good old days"

You have three or more dice-boxes (one in use, the others retired, holding seldom-used (or antique, faithful) dice, or doing duty on the Gaming Shrine [above])

You can remember where at least three Gaming shops USED to be located in your town/city, before they moved, were demolished or disappeared

You whoop with joy on rolling a 20 for hit location with a Gauss Rifle on your first hit on an opponent

You know which game that must be in

You know the TWO meanings of the term "AC20"

You keep custom clipboards (or similar contrivances) in the house for your gaming pals to keep their character sheets on when they come over

Your memories of the best times your character(s) had when living their game-lives are sweeter and more worth retelling than the best times you had in your actual youth (partially because you were too busy gaming and writing rules expansions you hardly used to get out and have a life)

You've ever written to a game designer personally

they replied!

You've phoned a game designer to chat about a game of theirs and where it's going

It's a game they haven't even released yet

From your computer, where you are now, you can look around and see most or all of your gaming gear

You own a pin-on badge that says "Incoming Fire Has The Right Of Way"

You still have the original three-booklet set of Traveller

AND the box it came in

OR the booklet-form of D&D (before the hardbound version hit the streets)

You feel that Gaming has played a part in your developing a personal philosophy

Your life-philosophy manifests as your taking Gaming seriously while taking most of the rest of life light-heartedly the complete opposite to the way most of society seems to work

Your spouse/partner agrees with the rest of society and wishes you would take life as seriously as you do Gaming

You have a feeling that God is a big Gamemaster, we're all just Characters, and Life, viewed from the outside, is a Game after all

You've submitted to this list.

And got your submission accepted!

You get $30.00 in a surprise windfall, and don't drink it, but instead spend it on that supplement that you noted was at the local store.

If you purposely stashed the supplement behind/near/out of its normal place so that nobody else buys it out from under you.

You've moved the above back to your special hiding spot after store personnel reshelve it.

You've thought about designing a game, and actually wrote more than 20 or so pages.

and self-published it!

All of your friends say, "You should start a game company."

You do, and they end up working for you, until they leave to start their own.

You find yourself teaching new players the ropes so often, you now have a down-pat speech, readily translatable to any game system for newcomers.

You have no non-gamer friends, or you limit contact with such people.

When you search the internet nightly for cool gaming software for your PC.

and you found this list by doing that! (Like I did.)

and you add to this list, to keep the spirit of gaming alive! (Like I did!)

You know more military tactics and strategy than most officers at your military post.

Than ALL of the officers at your local military post.

COMBINED!

You know more than three definitions of the acronym RPG.

You remained loyal thorough the right-wing religious anti-gaming crusade.

You know what to say (delicately, without sloppy missionary fervor) when someone says, "Oh, you don't play that "Dungeons & Dragons thing, DO YOU?!?!?!?!

You know the real tragic truth about Dallas Egbert.

and you learned it by reading the book on it, "The Dungeon Master." (Required reading, IMHO, for all DM's, and players, BTW.)

You'd rather game that visit your boy/girlfriend.

That's how you met them.

And then got married. (It didn't work for me. Your mileage may differ.)

And got divorced, OVER GAMES! (Like me. She was fantasy, I was Sci Fi/Military.)

You see a car crash, or accident on T.V., and scream, "Oooh, CRIT!"

You've said, "Roll initiative" more times than you've sung your countries' national anthem.

You tried gaming outside, for that "Natural, Woodland Atmosphere." Ahhh.

Until you found out the hard way about the ^?%^&* WIND, when it blew all of your maps/character sheets away.

and you felt that they were so irreplaceable, you chased after them, tripped on a root, fell, and split open your knee.

while your friends were yelling stuff like, "Cleric, bind wounds! Cure Light! Etc."

and you thought it was so funny you peed all over yourself laughing.

You're STILL reading this list!

You're REALLY thinking of adding to this list, now.

You've actually played a halfling, but kept telling everybody you were a "Hobbit."

You read the issue of Phil & Dixie, about, "Hey, the phone is circular-metal-banding!"

and you thought it was funny.

And you know what I'm writing about.

and you're remembering it now, and how funny it was.

You realize that this list is a common bond, among all gamers, of all races, in all countries, and that the Internet is just amazing, and that now, games will only get even better.

And you're looking forward to that. (poignant, emotional sniff.)

You think that that the D&D progression is Basic, Expert, Advanced.

after your GM sort of explains what thet monster looks like you know your exact roll needed to hit and how much damage it can take

you know how to roll the dice to get any number you want

you don't need any gaming books because you have every detail memorized

but you always keep two copies handy just in case

you keep up with your character's kingdom's politics more carefully than your own country's

you scream in pain whenever your character takes damage

you know all the exact somatic and verbal components of you wizard's spells

you keep a copy of your character in your wallet

your GM thinks you live in his house

your GM thinks your married to him

your characer has killed more than one Tarrasque

you get your friends and your character's friends mixed up

after a fistfight you search whoever you knocked out

you've ever played your defiler in the Tank Girl R.P.G.

you've ever played the Tank Girl R.P.G.

you were highly offended by that last comment

you've played The Wizard's Challenge more than once

you created a random die generator in DOS using BASIC commands

any of your characters has ever broken a staff of power or a staff of the magi for a retributive strike

and lived

you changed your name so that your initials read R.P.G.

you ever started a character as evil

you missed the O.J. Simpson trial because you were on this really long adventure

one of your wizards has ever roasted another person's characer with a fireball, then commented, "Hey, he was a dwarf. He didn't need that extra constitution point anyway

you've ever had a character named Rath or Delsenora

you've ever played as the player and the GM because noone was around to play with

you own the Japaneese version of any of the Final Fantasy series

you read the entire Encyclopedia Magica set

you know what a claymore is and what it looks like

your characer has created more spells than TSR

you have the BATTLESYSTEM rules memorized

you have the BATTLESYSTEM rules

you have the SPELLJAMMER rules memorized

you have the SPELLJAMMER rules

you have the Players Option rules memorized

you have had more than one paladin character

you wonder why I didn't just write: you have the Players Options rules

you understand the Rift alignment rules and actually use them

you've named EVERY one of your dice.

you remember all their names.

you realized that there ain't that many names in the world.

when people talk about AC Adaptors, you misinterpret the meaning.

It need to budget your money in gaming sessions.

The constant squinting and reading during gaming sessions has made you permanantely nearsighted.

You've ever spent more time in a single gaming session than a Jerry Lewis Marathon.

You've ever taught your children to read using your game books.

Your collection of gaming books are worth more to you than your car.

your House

your Firstborn child

Your learned about sex during your gaming sessions.

You see every monster or person in every movie you see and think of it in game terms.

You've screamed at the TV "Hey, He can't do that, he didn't have the right material components!"

You've ever had your character create batteries for the Laser pistol in the Robe of Useless Items.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 19 Sep 2003 : 14:53:27

<Last Cont>

Things Sorin doesn't want to hear Darian Say:

My favourite character's name is Darian. She is somewhat mischeivous. Being a spell-caster, she has regular contact with Sorin, the appointed sorcerer of Hawkwind Castle. (Darian is not actually Sorin's apprentice). Sorin has a lab in the castle, that Darian finds particularly interesting. Here are some things she might say...

----------

"Want some help?"
"I wonder what this wand does?"

"Oooops !!"

"Was I supposed to light the candles around the pentagram ?

"That fire wand only had 25 charges left on it!"

"What happens if I mix these two potions together?"

"So this wand fires a fireball if I point it at something and say Braxat'?" (Boom!)

"How was I supposed to know he was an incubus?"

"Hey, I bet I can do that better than you can!"

"Study?!? I'm too good for that!!"

"Hey, just who do you think you are, my teacher?"

"What's in this bottle? * POP * Uhh... oh-oh..."

"Sorin, is this pronounced 'HAStur HAStur HAStur' or 'HasTUR HasTUR HasTUR'?' "Ribbit."

"Oh, I threw it away."

"This weird guy with horns and stuff came looking for you. He asked if Razzlefratz was there. I told him no, your name was Sorin. That seemed to make him really happy."

"Remember how you told me not to lie anymore? Well, Elminster stopped by to say hello. I told him you said he was a talentless bag of wind. He wants to meet you tomorrow in the Blasted Lands."

"But Sorin, I did my best to make you invisible during the parade! How would I know it would only affect your robes?"

"Uh, Sorin, why was this mirror lying face-down on your table? Sorin? Sorin? Gee, where'd he go?" (scratches her head)

"Hey, Sorin, guess what? I tidied up your scrolls. Yeah, I put them all in this bag I found in your closet!" (Bag of Devouring burps)

"Swallow goldfish? ALIVE?"

(Loudly) "WHAT AN ILLUSION, SORIN! THE STORM GIANT WILL * NEVER * FIGURE THAT OUT!"

[Knock knock.. (someone's at the door)] "...No, he's been alone in his room with that fancy sword for a few days now... Sure, I'll go get him for you!"

"Sorin, I seem to have finally perfected my taunt spell. By the way, Calidor is at the front gates with his elite guard. Could you please explain this to him?"

"But we are all out of candles. I used lanterns to surround the pentacle instead."

"That vial of mead you were making tasted REALLY good!"

"Oh, THAT potion! Nope, never saw it."

"Listen, this scroll says 'To set up a permanent time-stop field for as far as the eye can see, just say the word Bidlebedee.' Hmm ! Do you think it'll work ? ... Sorin I'm talking to you. ... Sorin ? .... Sorin ? ..."

"Hey Sorin, listen to this neat spell: 'As you read this spell of Speech Impediment, you and all those around you will gladually begome unabelled to gomunigate in da unbestanbable wanblage tan bill bespeek uddel nonblends wabba dabba yabba ...."

"Sorin, I swear the king has no sense of humor ! When I told him all the jokes you've been telling about him, he didn't laugh at all !!"

"You, stupid peasants !! Either you obey Sorin or he'll turn all of you into toads !! YEAH !!! You think that just because you brought four paladins with you that he's scared ?! NO WAY !! And as soon as he gets out of the bathroom he'll teach all of you a lesson !"

"Hey Sorin, let me show you this neat trick ... pick a card from this deck I found in your lab... any card !"

"Hypothetically, what would happen if Fluffy was at the bottom of a portable hole when the spell expired?"

"Hey Sorin! Look what I found under your bed - the Fabled Bloodstone Pendant! Finders - Keepers!"

"Uh Sorin, King Belfour is at the door with an army of guards...looks like he's holding that pair of boots you made for him..."

"Why do we have to do this ritual on a full moon?? I go all funny on full mo...." *SNARL*

"Please tell me another. Plleeeeaaaasssee. Oh please Sorin. I just love your stories... Oh goodie thank you. Wow that female theif sounds really funny and ... wait, that sounds like something I did! Now wait a minute I did the same thing!! And then Sorin did what to the the theif? If I was that theif I woul... " [bright light floods the room as Darian explodes]

Bookwyrm
Great Reader

USA
4740 Posts

Posted - 20 Sep 2003 : 05:07:36

Ack! You must have inserted Tasha's Hideous Laughter into the text, because I can't stop it!

And I didn't even read it all.

I love the song in there . . . and that Win95 bit. (I have GOT to show that to some friends of mine.)

Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.

Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more.

The Sage
Procrastinator Most High

Australia
31701 Posts

Posted - 20 Sep 2003 : 06:06:32

Truly impressive

, and just the right type of thing to read when 'stuck' at work debugging 12 databases...

.

I particularly enjoyed the comment about having more Star Frontiers modules than close friends. It's true, at least for me...

Candlekeep Forums Moderator

Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com -- Candlekeep Forum Code of Conduct

Scribe for the Candlekeep Compendium -- Volume IX now available (Oct 2007)

"So Saith Ed" -- the collected Candlekeep replies of Ed Greenwood

Zhoth'ilam Folio -- The Electronic Misadventures of a Rambling Sage

MuadDib
Senior Scribe

South Africa
442 Posts

Posted - 21 Sep 2003 : 06:43:57

Disturbingly accurate in some details

MuadDib - Candlekeep Inn Barhand

Trafaldi
Learned Scribe

264 Posts

Posted - 21 Sep 2003 : 21:20:05

I have actually done alot of these.

Some believe there is something more after death, if you really want to find out... go kill yourself and stop pestering me.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 22 Sep 2003 : 13:51:19

Yeah I figured a lot of you would enjoy reading those. The link wouldnt work, I always try to copy and paste a link onto an e-mail, send it to myself, and test the link before I post it any where else, to make sure it will copy right. This link didn't so I just posted up the info heh. Glad you guys liked it.

shadow258300
Acolyte

USA
12 Posts

Posted - 24 Sep 2003 : 00:16:29

That's just to scary...I know so many people like that. I'm one of them

When God created man he gave out two gifts. Some he gave intelligence. To the rest, he gave sheer DUMB luck.

Bookwyrm
Great Reader

USA
4740 Posts

Posted - 24 Sep 2003 : 03:24:21

quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Leader

Yeah I figured a lot of you would enjoy reading those. The link wouldnt work, I always try to copy and paste a link onto an e-mail, send it to myself, and test the link before I post it any where else, to make sure it will copy right. This link didn't so I just posted up the info heh. Glad you guys liked it.

Well, I don't know what went wrong, but you can always just type the main URL out. If nothing else, we can all just copy and paste it into our own browsers.

Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.

Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 24 Sep 2003 : 13:52:59

Yep thats true we can. Or for us lazy people we can just copy it and paste it where we know people will see it for a bit.

William of Waterdeep
Senior Scribe

USA
829 Posts

Posted - 25 Sep 2003 : 15:18:58

quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Leader

Yep thats true we can. Or for us lazy people we can just copy it and paste it where we know people will see it for a bit.

______________________________________________________________________

Cut and paste?

,well,if you insist.

I cut and paste the D&D Christmas song,this is all good stuff!!
Just don't tell D&D jokes to a group who doesn't like rpg's,Sheesh!!
They will never look at you as sane again.

*From the Wizard "Other Worlds",forums.*
An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.
The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.
The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.
The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, "Spit it all out you little *******!"

Courage isn't the lack of fear but rather believing in and doing what you know is right even though fear is present.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 26 Sep 2003 : 14:00:32

LMFAO! Wow that great. Sounds just like a Dwarf to

William of Waterdeep
Senior Scribe

USA
829 Posts

Posted - 27 Sep 2003 : 03:55:23

I saved a copy of your D&D christmas song.

I liked some of the other jokes but that was my favorite.

Courage isn't the lack of fear but rather believing in and doing what you know is right even though fear is present.

Arteris
Learned Scribe

121 Posts

Posted - 28 Sep 2003 : 06:14:29

That christmas song was cooler than a +5 Keen Vorpal longsword

William of Waterdeep
Senior Scribe

USA
829 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 02:55:09

Two elves went hunting. The old elf had been hunting all his life but his young nephew was hunting for the first time. The old elf told his nephew to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when he got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he angrily said to his nephew.
"Well, I was when the snake bit me" said the nephew. "And when the orc attacked me...but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed.."

Courage isn't the lack of fear but rather believing in and doing what you know is right even though fear is present.

William of Waterdeep
Senior Scribe

USA
829 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 05:35:27

A dwarf and a halfling are walking down a road. The dwarf has a big potato sack over his shoulder. The halfling decided to ask what was in the sack. When he asked, the dwarf said, "I got some chickens for dinner tonight...Mmmm, Mmmm." The halfling wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. "Well, I�ll tell you," replied the dwarf, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this sack, I�ll give them both to you."

Does playing Dwarves and Orcs say something for me?

Courage isn't the lack of fear but rather believing in and doing what you know is right even though fear is present.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 13:43:16

Hehehe, I will post some more funnies but when I find some that I think are funny.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 14:45:11

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with public ally available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

118. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy hencemen instead.

120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

150. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

151. If I make a zombie out of one of the heroes, rather than killing him, I will not put him in a position where he will make ANY contact with his friends, lest he remember them and turn against me, or they learn how to free all my zombies by freeing him.

152. If I corrupt any of the heroes and turn them to the "Dark Side," I will not tell them to prove their loyalty by killing their former friends or family members.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 14:52:10

Five things you DON'T want your players to say:

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1.Ranger wearing plate mail in a misty echoing crypt: "I try to
move silently"

2.Apprentice to mage "By the way master, I finally shot that pesky
owl that kept following you around."

3.Party fighting a band of thieves in a 4X3X4m room, when the mage
says, with serious tone: "Hell, I cast a fireball,
THAT'll teach'em."

4.Party laying on a hillside spying on the Imperial Army of Darkness
commanded by Gul the Necromancer himself (+/- 10,000 troops)
"Hmmm, if we attack from the rear, do we get bonuses on
our attack roll??"

5.Paladin as the lone survivor of a party of 7 facing an army of
evil and undead creatures, which just slaughtered his fellow
adventurers: "Huh, why should I run? I got protection from
evil in a 15ft radius, THEY can't touch me" (last words).

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 14:54:25

STANDARD JOKES

Q: What is 2 inches long, has 4 arms, 3 eyes and a really long toungue?
A: I dunno either, but it is on your shoulder !!!!

Q: What's the difference between a female half-orc and a party's
healer?
A: You don't appreciate either until they go down

Q: What did the Red Dragon say to the Knight?
A: "Care to join me for lunch?"

Q: What did the Red Dragon think about the knight?
A: It was delicious!

Q: What do you get when you cut a Half-ling in half?
A: That easy a Quarterling.

Q: What do you throw a drowning dwarf?
A: His wife and kids.

Q: Why should you bind pixies with leather strips?
A: So they don't explode when you have sex with them!

Q: Why do gnomes have such big noses?
A: So they have some place to keep their fingers.

Q. How do you get an Orc out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. How do you keep a dwarf from drowning?
A: Take your foot of his head.

Q: What do a Nymph and a Turtle have in common?
A: If you get 'em on their backs, they're F***ed.

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ONE-LINERS

Take our cleric - please.

Cap'n Tim, I gotta go to the bathroom-where is the poop deck?

Is that a gold piece in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a halbard in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Druids do it in the woods.

Rangers do it in the bushes.

Thieves do it in leather.

Assassins do it from behind.

Mages do it with their hands and mouth.

Clerics do it on the altar.

Ogres do it with stone clubs.

Paladins do it in their dreams.

Hobbits do it in a hole.

Basilisks do it with their eyes closed.

Vampires do it in the dark.

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101 SPELLS NOT WORTH MEMORIZING

The "Official" List, V0.9b

compiled by Bill Garrett

This list has been edited for spelling and content. Thanks to all who
contributed: Nathan Amed, Paul Brinkley, Jay Cherry, Jonathan Coolidge,
Joe Delisle, Nushae Siobhan Fahey, Curtis Frye, Bill Garrett, Larry
Keber, John Kochmar, Tim Larson, Jonathan Sivier, Brian Snoddy, Stefan
Thieme, and many others.

1 Auditable Glamour
2 Bigby's Groping Hand
3 Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)
4 Blind Self
5 Break-Wind Wall
6 Burning Hands (Yours, ouch)
7 Charm Self
8 Charm Undead (X rated version)
9 Cone of bubbles
10 Cure Light Winds
11 Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion (things that make you go hmmmm)
12 Darkness, 15 micron radius
13 Deathwish
14 Deeppocket Lint
15 Delayed Blast Flatulence
16 Deny Reality
17 Detect Crying
18 Detect Self (allows you to see if you are yourself)
19 Detect Stikes and Spares
20 Detect Wind
21 Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know...)
22 Dimension Doorknob
23 Dispurse Self
24 Evard's Black Growth (range: 0)
25 Explosive Familiar (it's *your* familiar)
26 Extension Cord I, II, and III
27 Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds)
28 Find Acquaintance
29 Find Floor (somantic component: falling on face)
30 Find Hand (especially useful after casting Remove Hand)
31 Fiscal Projection
32 Heel
33 Hold Self
34 Hug Self
35 Indirection (address register postincrement)
36 Insect Plague, 5' Radius
37 Invisibility to Inanimate Objects.
38 Irritate Self
39 Kooshball
40 Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
41 Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
42 Leomund's Sturdy Music Box
43 Level Water
44 Lightning Blot
45 Locate Self (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
46 Magic Boomeranging Missile (hit that 1st level mage for 1d4+1)
47 Magic Missal
48 Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar)
49 Melf's Acid Bow
50 Memorize Spell
51 Micrometeorite Storm
52 Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
53 Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
54 Muenster Summoning I-VII
55 Nystul's Undetectible Aura
56 Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
57 Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level drow spell)
58 Plane XOR
59 Power Word, Smirk
60 Protection from Catnips
61 Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
62 Protection from Halitosis
63 Protection from Normal Air
64 Protection from Normal Missals
65 Protection from Normal Pillows
66 Protection from Self
67 Protection from Weevil
68 Putrefy Offal
69 Rary's Mnemonic Device--makes silly acronyms out of things
70 Remove Hand (yours)
71 Remove Self
72 Reservation
73 Sheepskin
74 Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
75 Summon Self
76 Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
77 Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
78 Tasha's Uncontrollable Flatulence
79 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
80 Teleport Without Destination
81 Tenser's Formatted Disk
82 Tenser's Shocking Suggestion
83 Tenser's Slipped Disk
84 This Space for Rent (fills up space on in mage's memory)
85 Time Start
86 Tons
87 Transmute RGB to HSV
88 Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
89 Transmute ashes to ashes, dust to dust (priest spell)
90 Unscented Cloud
91 Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
92 Walk
93 Wall of Paper
94 Wall of Velcro
95 Wizard Lick

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FUNNY STORIES

Red Dragon

A weak voiced barbarian just got fried by a old, red dragon. He says to
the dragon, "No...... I meant a Bud Light".

Norse Gods

The mighty god Thor sat in his hall in Asgard, bored by his godly
duties, and decided it was time for a vacation. He grabbed Mjolnir,
snuck out the back, crossed the Rainbow bridge, and wound up in
Midgard. He did his best to look and act like a mortal. He did some
drinking and carousing, he won a few wrestling matches, and finally he
found the most beautiful virgin peasant girl to bed. Well, needless to
say, she was in for a real treat. They went at it most of the night
until she finally passed out from exhaustion, but, as Thor was pleased
to see, with a smile on her face. When she finally woke up, the god of
thunder was feeling pretty guilty. He realized that he used his godly
charms to woo this innocent young woman, and now she had to go through
life frustrated because no mere mortal would be able to satisfy her.
He decide to confess.
"Milady," he bagan, "I fear that I have done you an injustice.
You see, I am Thor."
She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and said matter of
factly, "You think you're Thor, I can hardly pith."

Clerics and their Weapons

Brother Drewfius and Brother Tyronius got into an argument over a
difference in theological interpretation. They had never gotten along,
and within a few minutes the argument had turned into a fight. They
started out exchanging punches but soon they each had a weapon in hand.
Just then, Brother Francis comes into the room and says "Brothers, stop
this at once; this fight is pointless."
"It better be," said Tyronius, "We're both Clerics."

A Monk and a Leap of Faith

The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy
General Priest of Tyr (or some other lawful good god), and the King of
Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers
were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best
of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal. Each of
the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most
powerful and most loyal.
At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a
cliff. At the bottom of the 50' drop was a lake and in the lake were
poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out
was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was
covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the
followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red
dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they
started.
Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said "Sir Knight,
for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake,
and return here through the cave." Looking over the scene, the knight
replied "I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it."
Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said "You are
the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the
task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron." Shaking
his head slowly, the Paladin replied "I cannot do what you ask."
The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to
send his man over the cliff.
The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply
"Do it." Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the
cliff and into the water. In a flash he was across the lake and
entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in
anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the
end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running
out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive.
The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. "Son" he said,
"Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything,
anything at all and it is yours."
"All I want" he replied, "is to find out who the son-of-a-bitch
was that pushed me...."

Fishin'

A priest, a paladin and a thief are on a boat on a lake fishing.
The priest gets up and says, "Excuse me, I have to go relieve myself"
and procedes to walk across the water to the woods, and comes back to
the boat. A little while later the paladin says, "I, too, need to
relieve myself" and proceeds to walk across the water to the woods and
back. Still later, the thief says, "Well, I guess it's my turn." He
gets out of the boat and sinks to the bottom of the lake. The priest
turns to the Paladin and says, "Do you think we should have shown them
where the ricks are?"

Paladins

Upon discovery of the local assassin's guild our faithful, loyal,
rightous, holy, brave and snooty paladin of Tyr bursts through the door
and BrightButt says "I am BrightButt, faithful, loyal, rightous, holy,
brave and snooty paladin of Tyr, and I know what evil this place holds
and I know I must destroy it and I ARRGGHHHHHHHHH..."
"You know what a crossbow bolt feels like in the back of your
head." says a guildmember as the paladin falls to the floor.

BrightPeter, loyal, rightous, faithful, brave, (and secretly
horny) paladin of Tyr talks to his patron priest about a problem he's
been having. It seems as if BrightPeter has been waking up in his
white, clean, pure bed with soiled underware and remembers a dream
about one of the nuns he was... having. He tells his patron priest and
the priest gives him a small task of attonement and some advice. "Tyr
wants his warriors not to be wieghted down by impure thoughts and
wayward sperm, so my son to aid yourself, you should.. um.. you could..
I mean if you would.. well.. relieve yourself."
BrightPeter is obviously puzzled. "Spank your Monkey
BrightPeter!!" He replies "I will know when to call for my warhorse but
at what level can one call for his monkey? this is a temperate zone,
and monkeys are non-migratery." The priest leaves disgusted and
BrightPeter was never heard from again. It was said he left BrightTown
for the jungles of South America, something about monkeys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SKITS

The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You are a Lich

10. You get more then dandruff flakes when you scratch your head.

9. The entrance way to your tower has a foot of dust in it, and you
didn't sneeze when you cleaned it up.

8. You don't tan anymore, but your skin still flakes, in large chunks.

7. Your eyeballs fell out, and yet you can still see.

6. You stopped getting junk mail.

5. Young kids keep drawing caskets in the sand outside your tower.

4. The nearby city keeps sending priests to 'talk' with you.

3. The great-grandson of your first elven friend comes to visit asking
if you can help with old age pains.

2. Your familiar starts avoiding you.

...and the number 1 way to tell if you are a lich.....

You realize you haven't eaten, slept or had a drink in the past decade.

Beer Vs. Cucumbers

Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers:

- You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
- Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides.
- Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in
the fridge for a month.
- Beer is always in season.
- Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you're
looking at, if you drink enough of it).
- Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer:

- Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
- Cucumbers have fewer calories.
- Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV
and eating cucumbers.
- You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
- Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
- You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
- You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
- Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
- You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
- A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
- You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
- You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your
clothes.

SNL Parady

Interviewer: I'm here with Cajun Man, who is going to be fighting a
dragon tomorrow. Can you tell me what you're feeling?
Cajun Man: AnticipaSHUN.
Interviewer: You've earned quite a reputation for yourself, especially
after stopping an insane mage. Was it ever discovered what drove him
mad?
Cajun Man: Demonic possesSHUN.
Interviewer: That does it to me every time. Tell me, why are you going
after this particular dragon?
Cajun Man: DestrucSHUN.
Interviewer: That's right, this big fella successfully destroyed 5
cities.
Cajun Man: CorrecSHUN.
Interviewer: Sorry, it was 6 cities. Cajun Man, do you have any tricks
up your sleeve?
Cajun Man: Eyes of PetrificaSHUN.
Interviewer: Is there anything you'd like to take, if you could buy it?
Cajun Man: Sphere of AnnihilaSHUN.
Interviewer: Any spells your mages will be putting on you?
Cajun Man: Non-DetecSHUN.
Interviewer: Isn't that being a little over cautious? What's the worst
that could happen?
Cajun Man: DecapitaSHUN. EvisceraSHUN.
Interviewer: I guees you've got me there. How do you think the battle
will be won?
Cajun Man: Divine intervenSHUN.
Interviewer: A little pessimistic, aren't we? Well, do you have any
last requests in case the worst does happen?
Cajun Man: ResurrecSHUN.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 14:58:32

BABY BALROG

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Subterranean
FREQUENCY: Very Rare
MOVEMENT: 18 (36)
ORGANISATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Carnivore (rats, insects)
INTELLIGENCE: Very (11)
TREASURE: Nil
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil

NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR CLASS: 6
MOVEMENT: 18 (36)
HIT-DICE: 2
THAC0: 19
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2 (claws/whip)
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-4/1-6
SPECIAL ATTACKS: None
SPECIAL DEFENCES: +3 weapon or required higher to hit
MAGIC RESISTENCE: 80%
SIZE: S
MORALE: 9 (not quite confident with its abilities yet...)
XP VALUE: 270

The breeding habits of balrogs are still a source of debate amongst scholars. Some believe that balrogs, oweing to their extremely magical nature, don't actually "do the deed" as we would understand it and that balrogs are, by nature, asexual. Others believe (although it is scary to think about how they came across this information) that balrogs are quite active sexually and that the reason they are so rare is that they are all off in the secret balrog mating grounds, having a lot more fun then most of us. While the methods of balrog breeding remain unknown, the results are not. Baby balrogs look exactly like balrogs in minature, standing about as tall as your average halfling. Like regular balrogs, they carry a flaming whip and are hostile to just about everything and anything. They just run away with their tails (?) between their legs at the slightest sign of danger.

COMBAT: In combat, baby balrogs attack with their itty bitty claws and their tiny little flaming whip. When they attack, the let out tiny, high pitched imitations of a fully-grown momma balrog cry (Yup! Yup!). They fight rather well, the only problem being that while they begin combat with a confident, swaggering attitude they get very dissapointed when they're not as powerful as daddy and run away crying.

HABITAT/SOCIETY: Baby balrogs are solitary creatures, having been dumped in a dungeon by their parents in order to teach them something about life as a big balrog. Their parents usually leave them there to fend for themselves for a few hundred years before they come and collet. And momma seems to always choose to pick up junior just as her little darling encounters some cruel, nasty adventurers.

ECOLOGY: Baby balrogs fend for themselves in a dungeon quite well, usually living off rats and snakes, although they like kobold when they can get it. Very few creatures pray on baby balrogs, just in case momma turns up just before they start their meal...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COOKIE GOLEM

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any
FREQUENCY: Very Rare
ORGANISATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Nil
INTELLIGENCE: Non (0)
TREASURE: Nil
ALIGNMENT: Neutral

NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR CLASS: 10
MOVEMENT: 24 (48)
HIT DICE: 1/2 (1 H.P.)
THAC0: 20
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d3
SPECIAL ATTACKS: None
SPECIAL DEFENCES: None
MAGIC RESISTENCE: 10%
SIZE: T
MORALE: 20
XP VALUE:

The cookie golem was created by a baker/wizard who was, to be perfectly honest, stark raving bonkers. It seemed that he had some mad delusions of granduer involving him as ruler of the world inhabited entirely by sentient cookies. Luckily for the world, his plans fell through. However, before he died, the baker left in his notes the plans for creating the easiest to make, the fastest to make, and the lamest, golem of all time, the not really dreaded at all cookie golem. A cookie golem takes one week to make by a Wizard of at least level 3. The wizard makes the dough at a cost of 5 gold pieces, uses cookie cutters to cut out the shape of a man and while the cookie is baking, casts Jump, Mending and Magic Mouth. The result is the utterly useless Cookie Golem.

Cookie Golems don't give two figs about their masters orders. They simply run around all the time yelling "Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread/Chocolate Chip/etc. Man!" Because of their utter uselessness, very few wizards can actually be bothered creating the stupid little things.

COMBAT: Cookie Golems don't seem to do a lot of fighting. They're too busy trying to evade their masters. However, when they are forced to fight, the average Kobold would find them a complete pushover, if they can catch one that is. When defeated, cookie golems usually make pretty good eating.

HABITAT/SOCIETY: Cookie Golems, if they can escape from their master, seem to develop some form of intelligence over time. In game terms, this can be measured as 1 point per month for six months, after which they stay as they as, as thick as two house bricks. These "free cookies" sometimes band together in groups which sit around at night and tell each other stories of the fury of the oven, of the dreaded Cookie Monster and of the awe inspiring King Cookie, who lives in a magical land where cookies are free from evil people who would eat them. Luckily for us, most cookie golems are eaten long before they can hear such tales.

ECOLOGY: Yeah, right!

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 15:00:03

TOP 10 DOWNSIDES OF BEING A WIZARD

10. Long expeditions in dungeons make even umber hulks look sexy.

9. Constantly have to explain you are wearing a robe and NOT a dress(!).

8. Always losing games, lackluster fans, haven`t made the playoffs in over 10 years, overshadowed by Michael Jordan`s presence. Oh, I`m sorry, that`s Top 10 Downsides of being a Washington Wizard.

7. Have the least amount of hit points out of all of your friends.

6. Chicks dig swords, not wands.

5. Prismatic light spell attracts moths.

4. Crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentation of their women, gets old after a while.

3. Insensitive taunts of "Rasputin".

2. Can cast fireball and lightening bolt spells, but still can`t impress Britney Spears.

1. When telepathic powers let you see people's impure thoughts of Wolf Blitzer.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 15:01:17

Top Ten Things Your Berserker Would Never Say

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If this wasn't such a nice inn, I'd kick your ass.

2. Do these boots go with this tunic?

3. Sometimes, I just want to be held.

4. Couldn't we just talk this over? Violence never solved anything.

5. Swords and alcohol don't mix.

6. Gee, I'd like to help you guys hunt down that rogue dragon, but Lance and I are going shopping for curtains this weekend.

7. Thank you (as well as "please", "excuse me", and "so sorry, I would appear to have stabbed you in the stomach with my broad sword").

8. I think mages are the coolest.

9. Wait a minute guys. Maybe we should think this over first.

10. Ewwwww! Blood!

You can read the rest off the site, its PlanetADND.Com

William of Waterdeep
Senior Scribe

USA
829 Posts

Posted - 29 Sep 2003 : 20:39:44

Three adventurers are captured during a battle with a goblin tribe,
a Dwarf, a half-Orc and an Elf and are sentenced to death. The Elf is brought out first . The archers takes aim. Suddenly the Elf yells: "Earthquake! " In the confusion she escapes.
The half-Orc is impressed and decides to try something similar. As the archers takes aim he yells: "Stampede!" And in the confusion he too makes his escape to join the Elf.
The Dwarf has observed this closely. He decides to follow their example. So just as the archers take aim, he yells: "Fire!"...

Courage isn't the lack of fear but rather believing in and doing what you know is right even though fear is present.

Bookwyrm
Great Reader

USA
4740 Posts

Posted - 30 Sep 2003 : 05:09:53

Now there's an old one.

Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.

Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more.

Cult_Leader
Learned Scribe

USA
337 Posts

Posted - 30 Sep 2003 : 13:33:37

LMFAO! Thats a great one hehe. Hey if you want to see some more things go look at Humor in the; PlanetADND.com webby, It might be PlanetAD&D.com, I dont remember hehe.

MuadDib
Senior Scribe

South Africa
442 Posts

Posted - 02 Oct 2003 : 06:56:41

Song by the Arrogant worms, a canadian comedy troupe (you know you can find part of yourself in here)

Its great to be a nerd! Its great to be a nerd!
The only light we ever see is that from our monitor.
We argue about comic books and internet connections
The biggest highlight of the year is the Star Trek convention!
Our town wasn't big enough to sign up any stars,
But we met a Richard who was phasered by a borg!
(Man he knew Mr.Sulu!)
Its great to be a nerd! Its great to be a nerd!
We wear our Star Trek Uniforms and talk like Captain Kirk
We have our own heros whom we try to emulate
I dream of one day being as sexy as Bill Gates
We hate watching sports cuz we're reading Carl Sagan
We'd watch the Olympics if they played Dungeons & Dragons
(I'm a hobbit !! Hahahaa!)
Its great to be a nerd! Its great to be a nerd!
We think Tolkien was a genius, and Shakespear was a turd
We rarely get a date or get talked to by a girl,
Unless they're having trouble with their algebra homework
We're emotionally bereft, and sexually frustrated,
But we can download photographs of Agent Scully naked!!
(Yahoooooooo!)
Its great to be a nerd! Its great to be a nerd!
We know the truth is out there but we'd have to leave our room ....
WE are the nerds in your neighbourhood!
Polyester is a fashion statement!
But there's more room on the beach for you - cuz we're locked in our basement!
Its great to be a nerd! Its great to be a nerd!
We like to wear colours that do not appear in nature.
IT"S GREAT TO BE A....
Poorly dressed,
Fashionless,
Star-trekking,
Role playing,
90 pound,
Pastey skinned,
Underfed genius,
YES!
IT'S!
GREAT!
TO BE A NERD!

MuadDib - Candlekeep Inn Barhand

Arivia
Great Reader